Joke of the day

[Lisa Salberg]

Arm Troubles

A man went to visit his doctor. "Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. "Hello, Doctor't; says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"

"Aha!'' says the doctor.

''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

:lol:

[Dee]

oh my...that's baaaaaaaaaaaaad. so bad it's hilarious! :lol:

[Lisa Salberg]

Thats what I was going for...really bad, yet clean :D

I have a few saved up that will make you all want to roll your eyes! :roll:

Feel free to post your favorites!

[Lisa Salberg]

An Order of Spaghetti

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
''But how will I let you know the baby is born?'' she asked. He replied, ''Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses.''

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, ''Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.''

The doctor said, ''Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.'' Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, ''Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'''

[Lisa Salberg]

Ok I am a bit surprised that nobody made a comment on the last posting... :lol: :lol:
This one reminds me of my parents :wink:

A Child's View of Retirement

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holidays. One small boy wrote the following:
We always used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all live in little tin boxes. They ride on big three-wheeled tricycles and they all wear nametags because they don't know who they are. They go to a big building called a wrecking hall; but if it was wrecked, they got it fixed because it's all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very good.

There is a swimming pool there. They go into it and just stand there with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

As you go into their park, there is a dollhouse with a little man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. When they can sneak out they go to the beach and pick up shells that they think are dollars.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night, Early Birds. Some of the people are so retarded that they don't know how to cook at all, so my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it "pot luck."

My Grandma says Grandpa worked hard all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back up here, but I guess the little man in the dollhouse won't let them out.

[Lynn Perry]

:lol: :lol: :lol: Yes, that does sound like mom and dad!!! cute one.

lynn

[anne flanigan]

BRATS

[Rich Miller]

hmmm well that one made me feel kinda RETARDED!!!!

[Lisa Salberg]

Sorry guys... I thought this was funny...but I am a woman :lol: :lol:

Brain Transplant

A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, ''Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.''
''Well, how much does a brain cost?'' asked the relatives.

''For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000,'' replied the doctor.

Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, ''Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?''

''Standard pricing practice,'' said the doctor. ''Women's brains have to be marked down because they've actually been used.''

[Larry]

Sorry guys... I thought this was funny...but I am a woman :lol: :lol:





''Standard pricing practice,'' said the doctor. ''Women's brains have to be marked down because they've actually been used.''


Used for what?? :? And even if they were, I'm sure they were all low mileage!! :P

And the story you told before did sound a lot like mom and dad, 'cept mom don't wear hats. otherwise, pretty darn close.

[Rich Miller]

wow I would hate to see the price of a blonde brain!!!!!

[Larry]

wow I would hate to see the price of a blonde brain!!!!!

Good point. I suppose that might be considered something like "uncirculated" to a coin collector. :lol:

[anne flanigan]

Editorial comment: I will be correcting the word usage of my child with the higher priced lesser used brain. It is mom doesn't wear hats not don't.

[Larry]

I was speaking a combination dialect of Brooklynese and Hiberniaese with the futile hopes that you may understand what I was talking about! :roll:

[Larry]

Editorial comment: It is mom doesn't wear hats not don't.

You may notice that your "correction" of my English and grammer seems to be missing some punctuation. :roll: You were born blonde, were you not?

Now, behave yourself or I'm telling Lisa. :shock:

[Lisa Salberg]

Beautiful?

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

[Lisa Salberg]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Lipstick at School

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators...
:P :twisted:

[Lisa Salberg]

Quizzical

A man and his son are in a car accident and are rushed to the hospital. But when he's wheeled into the OR, the doctor looks at the boy and says "I can't operate on this boy! He's my son!" Who's the doctor?



His mother.

[Lisa Salberg]

This one was sent to me by Bob Pensack (a psychiatrist :lol: )

How about this one?


A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so
he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build
his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read
on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his
house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing
a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that
*I* am the man of this house, and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm
finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me
and comb my hair?"


"The f**** funeral director," said his wife.

[Lisa Salberg]

Blonde (or fillin the blank!)Nurse

Why did the blonde (or fill in the blank)nurse take a red magic marker to work?
In case she had to draw some blood.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll:

[Robert Hartwell]

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?


He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog!

Bob

[abates]

A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. Excited to prove to his wife that he had been
right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results.

It read "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000."

The wife thought for a moment, then said to her husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say."

The husband said, "What?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but, especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and, then, slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and, then, the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly, "Son, Go get your mother."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Lisa Salberg]

OK that last one was written by a man ..no doubt!
Lisa

[Reenie]

car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.
The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups in history.

When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"

[SheliRenee]

Bob and John were best friends since they were in elementary school. Baseball was their biggest passion in life. One day Bob and John made a pact that whoever died first would come back and tell the other if there was basebal in Heaven.

Bob and John continued through their lives until one day John passed on. True to the pact he came back to Bob a few days later. Bob was glad to "see" him and asked, "Well, is there baseball in Heaven?"

John replied, "Bob, I have good news and bad news."

Bob said, "Okay, let's have the good news first."

John stated, "Well, the good news is that there IS baseball in Heaven."

Bob excitedly answered back, "That's great... what could the bad news be?"

John looked at Bob in the eyes and said, "You're pitching tomorrow!"

:lol:

[Toogoofy317]

Two men were out golfing. Another group was ahead of them, two women. The women were playing quite slow.

One man asked the other if they should ask if they could play through.
The other said yeah that it would be a good idea. So he walked up to the top of the hill and quickly ran back.

"Did you tell them"
" I couldn't one was my wife the other was my mistress"
"Well I guess I'll do it" So the other man went to the top of the hill. He ran back scratched his head and said

"Small world isn't it."






Mary S.

[Lisa Salberg]

OK I did not see that one coming..2 points for Mary!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Reenie]

A saleswoman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in.

During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the saleswoman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good trade."
:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Robert Hartwell]

St. Peter approached the crowd of men at the Pearly Gates and ordered them to form two lines. The first line is for all of the men who's wives were "in charge" of the family, and the second was for those men who were "in charge". All of the men lined up in the first line except for one. St. Peter asked the man "Why are you in this line?"

and he replied...

"She told me to stand here!"

Bob

[Linda]

Bob, I wonder how many men out there are thinking about which line they will stand in? :? Linda (I know which one my hubby will be in.)

[Reenie]

Crowded in Heaven !!


It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God
decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order
to get into Heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you
died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01am, the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the
man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going
when you died. "

"No problem, " the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on
my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having
an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began
searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire
apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the
balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his
fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and
stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you
know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he
didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside
to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly
enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged
it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It
plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment as
so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly. "
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a
bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir.
Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven, " and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can
let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died. "
"No problem, " said the second man. "But you're not going to believe
this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily
exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing
hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped,
and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself
by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this
crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps
on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at
the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying
there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I
see this guy push his REFRIGERATOR, of all things, off the balcony. It
falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly. "

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.
"I could get used to this new policy, " he thinks to himself. "Very
well, " the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven, "and he
lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says,
"Please tell me how you died. "

The third man says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a
refrigerator. . . . . . .

[SheliRenee]

Reenie -

That was good. Thanks for the hearty laugh.

SheliRenee

[Toogoofy317]

That was good! I laughed so hard that my poor stomach is killing me! Word of thought! Don't read the joke of the day after stomach surgery :) :!:


Mary S.

[Reenie]

That was good! I laughed so hard that my poor stomach is killing me! Word of thought! Don't read the joke of the day after stomach surgery :) :!:


Mary S.

Sorry Mary! Next time I'll try to time it better. :lol:

[Lisa Salberg]

Human resource humor... from the desk of Lisa
some of my best stories as collected over the past 17 years...
1. I am late to work because I arrived home last night to find that my chinchilla lost all its hair.
2. I am sorry but your behavior is not appropriate...What do you mean it is not appropriate to have sex in the elevator during work hours?
3. I was not really stealing the stuff, I was just storing it at my home..and in my car and at my uncles shop.
4. No I am sorry but Family Leave does not allow you to visit Italy for the summer to visit your family...even if they are really old.
5. NO I am not going to move the printer to a different location of the building because the sound is reminds you of your sister when she cried as a baby...and took the attention away from you...oh and how old are you ...55 years old.... (UFF DA!)
6. Yes you may go home to take your child to the ER, what object did she place up her nose today...oh did the beeds come out ok last week? At least it was not a penny again!
More to follow....
:wink: :wink:

[Larry]

A married couple had saved up some hard earned money for a well deserved and needed vacation, that in effect was to be a second honeymoon. It was however to be a very short weekend trip to a tropical island paradise, so time was of the essence.
As fate would have it, as soon as the couple landed on the island, it happened. A toothache of epic proportions, just in time to ruin the trip. This tooth had been trouble before, and they knew it needed to be extracted.The couple found their way to the local dentist, and the poor woman explained to the dentist how this tooth needed to come out, and come out in a hurry as not to interfere with the honeymoon any more than need be.On the spot she told the dentist that she had decided to have this tooth extracted without the benefit of anesthesia.The dentist went on to explain to the woman that although it would speed up the recovery process, it would be painful beyond description. The woman said that her mind was made up, and there would be no anesthesia. The dentist then said "alright, have it your way...which tooth is it?" to which the woman replied " I don't know." The dentist said "What do you mean you don't know?" At which point the woman turned to her husband and said " Honey, open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is." :shock:

[bryan]

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one very icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on Thursday and his wife would follow the next day.
Upon arrival as planned, the husband checked into the hotel and decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail. However he left off one letter in her address and sent the letter without realizing his mistake.
Meanwhile, in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. She fainted upon reading the first message. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother and noticed the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've Arrived!
I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hopeyour journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS - Sure is hot down here!

[Lisa Salberg]

Ok you both get points for those 2 they were good :lol: :lol: :lol:
lisa

[Dolly W]

Did you know that it is a sin for a woman to make coffee?

It's in the Bible. . .

It says. . .

Hebrews!

[Lisa Salberg]

AMEN! :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Larry]

I think that only applies to beer and ale. Women can make coffee. :wink:

[Rich Miller]

I agree Larry, now a great big AMEN :!:

[Reenie]

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST: She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

[Lisa Salberg]

Quick Visit to the Dentist

A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible rush. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :lol: :lol:

Kinda reminds me of a doctor when he says...the ICD wont hurt too bad if it fires! :shock:

[Larry]

Hey Lisa....read back a few posts to my post of April 28 . I think you just told the "Cliff Notes" version of my joke! :roll:

[Lisa Salberg]

great minds think alike...or at least you TRY to think like me :wink:

[Reenie]

A woman rushes home, screeches into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery!"

The husband says, "Holy Crap!!! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the h*ll out."

:shock: :lol: :lol: